Dateline Chukchi Sea (near Alaska, where swimming = swift death by goosebump): Hunters discover an as-yet-unknown life form meandering placidly with the tides. The Coast Guard’s on the case, and CSI-types are swarming the area with petri dishes and plastic teaspoons in an effort to identify these giant floating globules of wayward organic matter.

A new life form — surely nothing to worry about, right? Something new for us to love, cherish, marvel at, study, sample, and parcel out to every lab on the west coast via UPS overnight shipping and a few chunks of dry ice. Wait, what? Is this the beginning of a great sci-fi story?

[fiction mode = on] But then, a brilliant yet eccentric and socially misfitted biologist (you know, played by Jeff Goldblum) reveals that the goo has a plan. As the goo quietly makes its way to San Francisco Bay, ignored, Goldblum frantically petitions fellow brainiacs and the heads of local government. He’s ignored, too, of course, until the goo climbs out of the bay via the Golden Gate Bridge. Drivers and pedestrians shriek and topple off the sides in deadly, elegant slow motion.

Now the world begins to notice.

Within a week, it’s done. Arguments and A-bombs exhausted, militias wiped out of existence, a mile-thick layer of goo blankets the Earth as Air Force One (and Randy Quaid, of course) circle helplessly seeking a place to land.

It’s really not too late to have a few Marines sent up Alaska way, is it? After all, Jeff Goldblum hasn’t steered us wrong yet, right?

Arctic Sea Full Of Blobs Of Floating ‘Goo’ [Telegraph]

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